WELCOME TO BEAM IS A DICK. NOW GO AWAY.

Your name is just the result of your parents lack of creativity. So when I say “Hey you” just answer me? You’re not special “Beau” or “Sean” or “Gian” or “Gino” or “Jon” or “Ian” or “Nikelle” or “Other Ian” or “Tucker” or “Coral” or “Dennis” or “Stan” or whatever-the-hell-substitutes-for-me-snapping-my-fingers,-not-throwing-my-scalding-hot-coffee-on-you.