February 2011
2 posts
I HATE THE RAIN
This may be one of the few points where you and I are equals … our shared hatred of this shit. Someone once told me that rain is just God’s tears. Sometimes God is a real pussy then.
I motherfucking hate the rain almost as much as I hate the fact that you and I might have something in common.
July 2010
3 posts
I HATE BIRTHDAYS
For 364 days a year I get to eat my cakes in peace. But today? Today of all days you bitches expect me to share. Here’s an idea: You want some red velvet cake? Then get your own fucking birthday.
Fucking freeloaders.
God, I hate birthdays.
P.S. I do like presents. Preferably cash. No checks.
I HATE MY OLD GANG
I used to think you bitches were street. How wrong I was.
Fuck you old gang.
May 2010
2 posts
I HATE EGYPTIANS
Did you know that Tutankhamun’s mummified liver was buried in a gold case with semiprecious stones and colored glass? Three similar containers held his lungs, stomach, and intestines; along with the heart (which was likely removed, mummified, and then placed back in to Tut’s body). The Egyptians considered these the most important. The brain was thrown away. They thought the heart was...
April 2010
2 posts
I HATE MY OLD CORE FUSION GANG
I am so glad to be done with those Jabba the Butts. They couldn’t fuse their bloated cores if their last jelly donut depended on it. My new core fusion gang is where it’s at!
Fuck you old core fusion gang.
December 2009
2 posts
I HATE STABBING VICTIMS
I’m trying to leave my New York City in the morning. I’ve got enough to deal with. I don’t need bits of your small intestine all over my Clarks and my welcome mat. Jerk.
Did you see today’s Westie?!??! ADORABLE!
October 2009
2 posts
I HATE UGLY MEN
I have had enough of you and I will bite my tongue no more. If you’re ugly, I don’t want to look at you. If you’re ugly, I don’t want to hear you. If you’re ugly, I don’t even want to smell you. Go get pretty you hideously, ugly fuck. You make my eyes sore.
Ok. That’s all for now, gang! I’m off to my colonic!
I HATE HANDS
They must be destroyed at all costs.
September 2009
5 posts
I HATE MESSY DESKS
I am fastidious in everything I do. This is why you embarrass me. Me? I could spot clean a 7-member family’s homicide/suicide in 52 minutes or less. Better believe it!
I HATE SOCIAL EVENTS, PEOPLE, PEOPLE AT SOCIAL...
If there is is one thing I never get tired of telling people it is this: I hate you people. I blog, tweet, and carve as much in to my own flesh daily. I’m just not a people person. I like dogs. They’re adorable! Unlike people. People smell and have needs and thoughts and feelings. It’s like I always say: people suck! But of all the people I hate, one ranks supreme. This is why I...
I HATE BIRDS
I’m just kidding. Only a complete and total jackass would hate birds. I do hate the Russians though.
I HATE WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME ABOUT YOGURT
Fuck you Jon Zast.
August 2009
5 posts
I HATE SHARING
I’m looking at you Andrew L. You know how much corporate bullshit I had to wade through to afford that bag of past-due-date pretzels? One handful from you depletes the whole stock, now I got nothing but a few broken ones and pretzel dust.
Thanks.
I HATE SCALES
Scales? I, like you, can’t help but to step on them. But I, unlike you, do so only to stomp, smash, and obliterate them in all their judgmental fucktard glory.
I will find you scales and I will kill you, each and every one.
I HATE NAMES
Your name is just the result of your parents lack of creativity. So when I say “Hey you” just answer me? You’re not special “Beau” or “Sean” or “Gian” or “Gino” or “Jon” or “Ian” or “Nikelle” or “Other Ian” or “Tucker” or “Coral” or “Dennis” or...
I HATE SOLID FOODS
I am a juice woman. I was born an acorn and squash puree woman and I will die an acorn and squash puree woman, namely because I will purge out my life force prematurely due to the instense laxative effects of an acorn and squash puree. Nevertheless, the course is set.
Fuck you. Fuck your donut.
July 2009
22 posts
I HATE METH
Ironically, I loved it when I started it.
I HATE BUTTER
Butter sucks the cow’s ass it comes from. I really like jelly though. It’s my favorite!
I HATE ISLANDS
You too good to hang out with the rest of us? Fuck you.
I HATE CANCER
I hate cancer becuase it’s weak. I keep wishing cancer on all kinds of people and the next day I still see them clogging the line with their triple lattes, light foam. Cancer, you’re a pussy.
I HATE PRINCESS MARGARET
It’s a long story.
I HATE MEN WITH BEARDS
Be proud of your puberty on your own time, Rasputin. Because, right now, your strays keep finding their way in to my fennel salad. Shave it.
YOU
God I hate you.
I HATE THE GREEKS
Not just the old and ancient ones either. Today’s Greek’s are every bit as annoying.
Gee-ros / Yee-ros / Guy-ros. Just shut up and make me a damn sandwich.
God I hate the Greeks.
GHANDI
I don’t eat either. It’s called a cleanse. You don’t see me bragging about it, so shut up and have some salami.
God I hate Ghandi.
I HATE PALEONTOLOGISTS
Fuck you. Fuck your dinosaurs.
STRAWBERRIES
Strawberries make me want to vomit up the honeydew melon I had for breakfast.
God I hate strawberries.
LITTLE DEBBIE
Bitch.
MARITIME LAWYERS
I hate them all. I want my houseboat back.
God how I hate maritime lawyers.
ORPHAN
I saw another one of these loathsome creatins today. Oh how they sicken me with their want of taffy and change. Can’t we bring back the debtor’s prison?
OSAKA 6
I saw a man on the street wearing an Osaka 6 t-shirt. I have but one word for this man: Damn Chinese.
I HATE IRISHMEN
I hate Irishmen for the simple reason that they are always asking me for change or new clothes or food. Some people do not realize this: but the lot of Irish are known criminals. Ask yourself: how many Irish are in Irish prisons?
A lot.
God how I hate the Irish.